How to respond like an adult

Back in December I decided I finally wanted to join the college paper. I'd never had a whole lot of respect for the publication rightly or wrongly, but it always seemed to me that they were in need of decent writers and I really wanted a column.

So I emailed the features editor and asked what I needed to do. He got back to me about a week later.

Thanks for your e-mail. What are you looking to write about? If you're still interested, go ahead and send me a list of the top 3-5 things you'd like to write about in a column and we can discuss it further. Also, send me at least two sample clips, so I can get a feel for your writing style...

Fair enough...

along with a 300-500 word statement explaining more on why you would like to have your own column and what it would mean to you.

Say what? What would it mean to me? When did this become an application to attend a special summer camp? I was genuinely dumbfounded. How could I possibly answer that question beyond responding with the obvious "I'd like to see my name in the paper?"

I sat and stared at my monitor for a couple minutes wondering if I could possibly make the sarcastic response that was sure to follow believably convey that I thought joining his paper was a life-altering opportunity. I gave up.

What would writing for The Eagle mean to me? Well first, let me tell you what I think of when I think of eagles. I think of integrity. I think of honesty. I think of men’s hair loss because the eagle is both masculine and, in America, bald.

I can only assume, because I’m not going to do any research, that these were the three things the founders of this proud paper thought of too when they named their publication after an animal, and I’m 100% behind that decision. I am myself very honest and contain large quantities of integrity. Though I sport a full head of hair, I would be more than willing to rock the naked noggin if it meant seeing my name in The Eagle.

I never sent it. I couldn't meet the minimum word requirement.