I have never received a love letter. Not one. Not even a really heartfelt "A" or "H." It confuses and hurts me that no one cares enough about me to write their feelings down and hand them to me instead of telling me face to face.
Maybe all the girls I meet just think I'm really environmentally conscious because they noticed I recycle so they didn't want to waste paper. Also email's out without buying carbon emissions offsets and let's be honest, have you seen the price of carbon these days? It's used in practically everything.
Or maybe I'm missing something.
-A few of my friends have received love letters. If I could use only one word to describe them it would be "girls." This is probably one of those skills you have to be born with. It's kind of like in the NBA when a general manager says, "You can't teach height" so they draft the guy who's seven feet tall instead of the guy who can dribble and speak the same language as the other guys on the team. But really, it's more like in the WNBA when a general manager says, "You can't teach girl" and drafts a woman who can't dunk instead of Michael Jordan.
-My ex-girlfriend received a love letter once. She is a heartless, soulless human husk. I can't hope to achieve this. Lobotomies are illegal in the United States now and I am a law abiding citizen.
-That one guy in that one movie I never saw got a love letter. He was really hot. I would probably have to work out a lot to look like him. One time my friends and I got in my car and drove to Taco Bell, Burger King, and a Chinese restaurant to get food for one big dinner. It was a crazy night. I will probably never look like that one actor.
Sometimes when I go to bed alone at night, I console myself with the thought that maybe there are hundreds of illiterate women out there who simply lack the words to tell me how they feel. If you meet one, please offer to transcribe her message. I will reimburse you later.
